Attachment Parenting, the consequences
Back on the old Omphalos blog, my most controversial entry was an attack on Attachment Parenting, and one of the most hostile critics was a lady named Dawn Ratliff. Following a link in the referral log, this is what’s on the web site Dawn gave back in 2002, apparently now an ex-husband, Keith Ratliff:
Dear Clarissa and Drake,
It has been so long since I have seen either one of you. My heart misses you more than anything. I will see you two again. We will be together again. Until that happens please be strong for me kids.
It is OK to cry when we miss someone. I cry because I miss you.
I love you kiddos.
-Dad
That’s a daddy who’s been cut out of the lives of his children. Katie Allison Granju, the godmother of Attachment Parenting I criticized at the time, is also now divorced.
Glenn Reynolds called me a troll for having the nerve to suggest that AP was a prelude to divorce. He was wrong.
UPDATE: Reader Kristin asks how I know the Ratliffs are divorced, suggesting that the separation of father and children may be due to Bush’s War. Read this:
As of today, the tenth of April, twelve thursday visitations have been denied, six weekend visitations have been denied. The children missed my birthday and I am about to be denied my son’s fourth birthday as well.
I was supposed to have the children for Easter this weekend, a nice three day weekend with them and it looks as though that too is not going to happen.
I miss my kids terribly. My parents and my children’s uncles all miss them too.
They have missed out on me in their life for Saint Patricks Day and Valentines Day.
My brother came back from Floriday two months ago and has wanted to see the children. To this day, he cannot.
And why? Because a Mother shirked her motherly duties when she inured my son and then blamed it on me to get them taken away from me.
In AP I see a lot of black-and-white thinking and an unhealthy level of attachment to the kids on the mother’s part. This is my evidence.
- June 28th
While I agree with your original point on Attachment Parenting, surely you can understand the logical fallacy in claiming that 2 cases of AP supporters where the marriage ended in divorce constitutes proof that AP is “prelude to divorce”, especially in a country where 40-50% of all marriages end in divorce anyways.
A mere grievance against an otherwise interesting post.
I’m offering anecdotes rather than evidence because nobody has done a study yet. I think they should.
Like Daniel says, you seem to be making an ad hominem argument here.
“Attachment parenting”, as I understand it, and as we practiced it when our son was young, is little more than a return to sensible and affectionate contact between parents and infants. Take away the extremist stuff (breastfeeding to age six, for example), and you’ve got a rational and justified pendulum swing back from the “separation parenting” my generation grew up with. (For example, separating babies from mothers immediately after birth, discouraging breastfeeding, and letting babies “cry it out” when all they want is to be held.)
Carrying (I hate the term “wearing”) babies in a sling is a huge advantage, for a variety of purposes, over strollers, Baby Bjorns and other contraptions. It’s a marsupial approach that works rather well for humans, up to the point when the kid breaks out on his or her own, which they always do.
Letting infants sleep with parents works for some, not for others. But it’s worth considering, since it worked just fine, and for good reasons, for most of human history.
It does bother me a bit that “Attachment Parenting” has become something of a lefty cause. But at its base are some simple and useful ideas prospective parents would do well to consider. Even if it’s with some grains of salt.
Post hoc ergo propter hoc.
I’m sure many divorces happen when parents don’t agree on parenting, or money, or time spent on hobbies/obsessions, etc. I highly doubt that the reason for these divorces was attachment parenting. Do you think it strengthens a marriage to abandon babies instead of tending to their needs? If that’s what marriage takes, that’s a truly sad commentary on our society. There’s nothing damaging to the family about taking care of everyone’s needs.
[Editor's note: this is the black-and-white thinking I was talking about: "abandoning babies instead of tending to their needs" is code for letting them sleep in their own beds, toilet training, and teaching them discipline and self-control as soon as they're able to learn.]
Wow–I had no idea that the non-AP families I know that have been ripped apart by divorce are no longer together because of their parent-centered approach to life. But there are so many, that must prove it!
As we celebrate our 10 year anniversary this month and I think back over the years and how many times my husband has expressed his thrill and gratitude for me introducing him to AP ideas I’d have to say it has made us stronger.
Unfortunately you seem to not realize that Attachment Parenting actually is an idea related to Dr. Sears and his list of “b”s that constitute attachment parenting. Granju’s ideas are important, but she didn’t create the parenting style. And one of the “b”s in the AP list is “balance”. Attachment Parenting isn’t about putting children ahead of the husband/wife relationship or about being a martyr in parenting. It’s about meeting the needs of children as well as adults and not asking more of children than adults are willing to ask of themselves.
I really wish you would learn more about a topic before posting on it out of ignorance.
Goodness, I hope that the common thread for divorce isn’t found to be responding to your blog!
Okay–having read your original article (untill the point where my eyes were going to permanently stay rolled back into my head) I see that you did get the Dr. Sears connection, but your list of what constitutes attachment parenting shows the depths of your ignorance go even deeper than I could have imagined. In fact, so deep that I don’t even consider your ideas worthy of more thought and almost wish I hadn’t taken time away from my thriving family to bother responding at all.
So I’m going back to talking to my mother who is enjoying her 38th year of marriage with my dad and thank her yet again for AP’ing me. Though she did want me to ask that with all of her AP’d children grown and out of the house, how long should she worry about this threat of divorce?
Um…are you even one hundred percent positive that the Ratliff family has divorced. They could be a military family for all we know. *shrug*
Anyhow, it seems me that calling 2 possible cases of divorce are a direct result of attachment parenting philosophies is more than a touch far fetched. Sad for those involved, yes, but directly related…I would need to see more proof.
[Editor's note: see the update.]
Well, you’re ignorant, but certainly not stupid. Hits been low lately?
I never knew that anyone claimed AP can keep people from being HUMAN. The last time I checked, no one said “AP will keep your husband from cheating on you” or “it will solve all your financial problems”, or even “It will guarantee that your marriage will last forever!” The truth is that how you parent your children will never guarantee how your marriage will turn out on way or the other. My family happens to practice AP, we have six children, all of whom slept in our beds for at least the first year, and some even longer. We will celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary next April. My parents did NOT practice AP, they let me and my sister “cry it out” in our own cribs, never owned a sling, etc. They will be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary. Apparently AP doesn’t really make a difference either way.
On the other hand, I hear that people who eat a lot of red meat have a higher rate of divorce… maybe you should check your diet and make sure your marriage is not at risk! LOL
Arymanth
I really feel sorry for you. You are very misguided.
I can only comment on myself, AP is great for our family. And without it our marraige would not be as strong.
Oh I forgot..are you friends with that guy on the roof?…you guys would really get along well.
Santa Claus?
Wow… you truly misunderstand the point of Attachment Parenting. The point is a balanced and respectful life in your family– for ALL members of the family not just the parents. Divorce is no more linked to Attachment Parenting than a Chicken is to a Cow…. Chickens and Cows are both animals…. Parenting and Divorce both have to do with families. But that is where it ends.
Attachment Parenting is what has helped our family to survive– as a military family without it there would be no reassurance of consistency with our children that their needs would be met.
So you don’t know any non-AP families who are divorced? What world do you live in? I know far more divorced families than I do AP families, and not all of the AP families are divorced, so how do these correlate?
Of *course* you are going to find divorce among AP families, just as you do among non-AP families. I really don’t understand how you can say AP was the cause of the divorces unless you have never known a single non-AP divorced family.
Erin (raising two AP’d children and just celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary)
I noticed in your original anti-AP blog you put *must* in all of the attributes of AP. There are no “musts” in AP. It’s about what works best for *every* member of the family.
the guy on the roof…link
another crazy guy….
What’s crazy about wanting your room to be private? So, he’s crazy because he’s using the idea of staying on his room as a means to attract publicity to what he’s doing, or he’s crazy because he dislikes Attachment Parenting?
He’s crazy because he thinks publicly denouncing his wife and her principles will gain him more “nookie” in the bedroom. Sheesh.
We are in fact divorced. That is my Web site that is quoted and it is not out of context. We are not in the military, though I used to be before we were ever married.
Attachment parenting at its core is a good idea. However, from my experience, it breeds quite a grounds of fanatics. People who are so devoted to the letter of what it stands for – that simple reason gets thrown aside.
However, AP wasn’t really the cause of our divorce, although it was a large breeding grounds toward our unhappiness.
Kept in context, I support Attachment Parenting. As long as that is the case – it is kept in context.
I am not a psychologist, but we were reviewed by one who determined her to have some mental problems, including pronness to place blame on others and the need to control, manipulate and dream up wrongs that have been inflicted on her.
Now, I read all of the above. It is certainly in context to be skeptical of anything you read on the Internet. And I am sure my ex wife has her own side of the story, but the following is absolutely true:
On January 2006, my ex physically injured my son, called the police, and coaxed my daughter in to telling the police that I did it.
Since that date, to this day, I have had no contact with them, in face or on the phone. The only written contact has been what their day care has done for holidays.
My ex has denied my visitation since then, even after being suggested that I should see them by both the police and by CPS.
She has one motive. She wants the kids for herself and herself alone. And she will destroy the kids to get it.
It is sad, really. But for now, I am their father, and I will do what I can to be in their life.
Through all of this, I hope that some day, she decides to stop fighting me and try to work with me. Even after everything I have been through, I will try to work with her, openly and honestly. Because that is what is best for my children and no matter the wrong, they deserve no less from me.
–Keith Ratliff
I re-read the above and I want to clarify:
I am not saying all AP people are fanatics. Just some are, but I those who are, are for AP. They are the examples of the extreme. I have noticed that those who are, support each other to the extreme as well. (They don’t see themselves as fanatics)
For the people who are normal and abscribe to AP principles, AP is a nurturing and loving mentality and is far above and beyond the level of thought I see most people give their families.
Just want that to be clear and I hope that helps set the record straight on that matter (from my end at least).