Here are some of the highlights of today’s interrogation of Judge Roberts.
First, we have questions from the illustrious Senator Kennedy:
KENNEDY: The stark and tragic images of human suffering in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina have reminded us yet again that civil rights and equal rights are still the great unfinished business of America.
The suffering has been disproportionately borne by the weak, the poor, the elderly and infirm, and largely African-Americans, who were forced by poverty, illness, unequal opportunity to stay behind and bear the brunt of the storm’s winds and floods.
ROBERTS: If I may interrupt, your eminence, I’d like the record to reflect my opposition to floods. Floods involve large quantities of water, which can make people drown. I hate it when people drown. In fact, drowning seriously pisses me off. When I hear about somebody drowning, I want to kick some ass, some big, fat, arrogant, shameless ass. Like yours, Senator Fat Ass Drowning Kennedy. Please continue, you disgusting son of a mobster’s bitch.
KENNEDY: If we could move on. Now, the Brown decision was just the beginning of the historic march for progress toward equal rights for all of our citizens.
In the ’60s and ’70s, we came together as a Congress, Republicans and Democrats alike, and passed the historic civil rights legislation that signed by the president to guarantee equality for all citizens on the basis of race, then on gender, then on disability.
ROBERTS: Right on, your honor, I’m all for the march of progress. It seriously chaps my ass when some people are left behind as others march, or swim if you prefer, to a better, happier, and longer life. Just because a woman can’t swim as well as her drunken sot of a big fat disgusting big-headed boss I don’t think she should be left behind to drown and die. That’s wrong and it’s not what our Constitution stands for, you horny twit. What else you got?
KENNEDY: Let me, if I could, go to the Civil Rights Restoration Act. In 1981, you support an effort by the Department of Education to reverse 17 years of civil right protections at colleges and universities that receive federal funds. [blah blah blah…you hate Negroes don’t you?… blah blah blah.]
ROBERTS: Wrong again, space turkey, I was just watching some porn with Clarence the other night. It was the sequel to Long Dong Silver called Big Head Kennedy about a guy who goes around raping women and getting away with it because of his mafia connnections; his uncle is a senator. I recommend it to your worthless criminal ass.
Civil rights law is complicated business, and you aren’t going to understand my answer without some serious help from the tutor who took all your tests for you at Harvard. But let’s play the game, here’s my answer [8 minute tutorial on civil rights law.]
I was right, wasn’t I? Now go have a drink before you embarrass your children any more.
KENNEDY: My time is up, Mr. Chairman.
SPECTER: Thank you very much, Senator Kennedy, now go fuck yourself.
Next up: Senator Feinstein asks about abortions, comparable worth, and Mrs. Roberts’ cookie recipe.
Bravo.